Weekend Horrible Movie Report: 'The Wicker Man'

The Wicker Man (2006)

Art House Productions presented a showing of The Wicker Man in Jersey City on Friday night, as part of its "Movies Under the Drop Ceiling" series of free video-projected stinkers. (The audience is encouraged to laugh, yell at the screen, and throw popcorn at the actors.) The Wicker Man is a 2006 German/American remake of a 1973 British film of the same title. I haven't seen the original, but I understand it was fairly well received and is even considered a cult classic in Britain. The remake is truly awful, laughably so. Any movie that features Nicolas Cage running around in a bear costume -- in a scene that is NOT intended to be humerous -- has left the domain of serious cinema and entered the of realm of the unintentionally hilarious. Cage is Edward Malus, a cop looking for a missing girl (who turns out to be, surprise, his daughter) on an island ruled by a matriarchal bee-keeping cult headed by Ellen Burstyn....yada yada. The suspense collapses under the far-fetched plot, and the dialogue is like this:

Edward Malus: [runs over to help Rowan and pulls off the mask of his bear costume] My name is Edward. I'm gonna save you.

Edward Malus: [Pointing a gun at Rose, who has been riding an antique bicycle] Step away from the bike!

Edward Malus: [before his legs are broken] This is murder! Murder! You'll all be guilty, and you're doing it for nothing! Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey!

Well, it was free. A good time was had by all.