The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Way I Feel

There's a giant, out-of-control pumpkin plant growing in the backyard that is now winding its way up into the branches of our apple tree. It gives me the creeps, in an Invasion of the Bodysnatchers way. We're either going to have a visit from the Great Pumpkin this fall (along with our usual crop of rotten apples) or experience some kind of vegetable apocalypse.... Local schools are now in session, which means the crossing guards are back in force -- and the friendly one I encounter while traversing State Highway every day doesn't discriminate between kids and grown-ups. It feels a little strange to be "crossed" as an adult, but it's a very busy intersection, with lots of drivers zooming by while yacking on cell phones, so I'm not complaining....