Search Party

Someone fired up their computer, turned to the Internet (Yahoo specifically), and asked:

what is a modern insult that means thou stale old mouse eaten dry cheese?

That brought them to one of my archived pages, which contained this list of "Shakespearean insults":

Thine face is not worth sunburning!
Thou qualling fat-kidneyed apple-john!
How now my sweet creature of bombast?
Thou warped common-kissing wagtail!
Truly thou art damned, like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side!
Your bedded hairs, like life in excrements, start up and stand on end!
Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!
Sell your face for five pence and 'tis dear!
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
Thou hath not so much brain as ear wax!
Thou stale old mouse eaten dry cheese!
Thou wimpled tardy-gaited pigeon-egg!

I have to admit I'm stumped for any modern equivalent -- perhaps I have more earwax than brain -- and anyway I wouldn't even try to best Will in the insult department.