Search Party

Someone fired up their computer, turned to the Internet (Yahoo specifically), and asked:

what is a modern insult that means thou stale old mouse eaten dry cheese?

That brought them to one of my archived pages, which contained this list of "Shakespearean insults":

Thine face is not worth sunburning!
Thou qualling fat-kidneyed apple-john!
How now my sweet creature of bombast?
Thou warped common-kissing wagtail!
Truly thou art damned, like an ill-roasted egg, all on one side!
Your bedded hairs, like life in excrements, start up and stand on end!
Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!
Sell your face for five pence and 'tis dear!
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
Thou hath not so much brain as ear wax!
Thou stale old mouse eaten dry cheese!
Thou wimpled tardy-gaited pigeon-egg!

I have to admit I'm stumped for any modern equivalent -- perhaps I have more earwax than brain -- and anyway I wouldn't even try to best Will in the insult department.

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

You have the vocabulary of an aspidistra in panic

An aspidistra is a flowering plant and also the name for "a British mediumwave radio transmitter used for black propaganda and military deception purposes against Nazi Germany during World War II," according to Wikipedia. I think I'd rather have the vocabulary of the latter, though when panic sets in, I probably sound more like the former.

diving bell and the butterfly

A fascinating French film about a stroke victim. For when you're in an insouciant mood.

rudolph the nasally empowered reindeer

It's a little early for Xmas, politically correct or not.

shoot luke or give up the gun

Give up the gun, I say.

komputery

We are, aren't we?

Search Party

Here are some recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania.

shack for sale

Looking for a little old place where we can get toether? Here's one I photographed, and it is for sale. Click the pic for a closer look. And don't forget my commission.



rob's amazing poem generator

I think I linked to it once, but it appears that the amazing poem generator is no more, alas. As compensation, here's one of my "bad haiku" pieces. (Believe me, it's better than anything Rob's geneator produced.)

Dear little puppy
Alone in the soft sunlight
Smashed to smithereens

smotp walking on glass

SMOTP is an author, apparently a purveyor of erotica, aka Essemoh Teepee. Not sure what the name signifies. Something nasty? Sado-Masochistic Oxymorons and Terrible Pain? And I don't recall writing anything about walking on glass. That does sound painful.

writing a book hippie?

Yes, it seems I'm always writing my book, even after it's published. Stay tuned for further details.

Search Party

Here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania.

treatment for boanthropy syndrome

boanthropy is the belief that one is a cow or an ox. Probably the cure would be to offer the person a hamburger.

cheshire cat lewis carroll

"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "otherwise you wouldn't have come here."

einstein fish

A smart fish? Dolphins come to mind, but they aren't really fish. If Einstein were to be reincarnated as a fish, maybe he would develop a Theory of Infinity.

doodoocaca flesh

Wow, I'm number 3 on Google for this phrase? But I think you mean doodoocaca FLASH.

conversational terrorism how not to talk

Conversational terrorism is when two people stop talking.

rastafarian proctologist

You mean a Pokemon?

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

where in the world is New Jersey?

It's that patch between Philadelphia and New York... I think.

nylon wadding bales

I know I've never written about these, so you've got me puzzled as to how you ended up on my page, gentle seeker. I think I will dream about bales of nylon wadding tonight. And it will be your fault.

pre made album cover art

So you finally finished your album, but you forgot that you need cover art. Find a stock image; or make me an offer for this pic of mine:



umberto eco quotes

"Absense is to love as wind to fire."

fiction objet en art

This sounds French, n'est pas? I think you're looking for a fictional artistic object. Try doing an image search for "Carlotta Valdes".

Search Party

Here's another collection of search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

haikus about taking a bath

Okay....

Remove your clothing
Then fill the tub with water
Immerse and use soap

Anton chekhov, Lady and the Laptop

I've never heard of that Chekhov story. Are you sure you don't mean Pavel Chekov?

tragic elements in shakespearian comedies

It's much easier to find comic elements in Shakespearean tragedies. That might make a better topic for your paper.

spalding gray nude

Just let him rest in peace. Sheesh.

hilarious paper automata

Hmm. Try searching for "robotic origami giggle-fest."

church of the poisoned mind harmonica

What a great name for a blog!

outsourcing "spider hole" phrase

Yes, they're outsourcing everything these days.

how to do twist

You mean THE twist? Swivel your shoulders while you grind your foot.

stories by prostitutes

You won't find any here. I don't get paid for my stories. :(

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

Photos of trees with mineral deficiencies

You mean like this one in my neighborhood? It's swallowing a street sign. Yes, I think mineral deficiency could be the explanation. Or maybe it's just hungry?



guilty with an explanation excuse

Can't think of one? Check out the Excuse-O-Mat

victorian man tattoo

Any excuse to post this:



jacques derrida deconstruction for dummies

I don't think his French post-structuralist philosophy can be dumbed down, alas. (Every word of that sentence I just typed is a signifier, not a signified.)

schizophrenia around the world

The grand tour. This sounds like a cracked variation on an old Life magazine headline.

Why is Charles Pooter pooterish?

The eternal question. Why, Charles, why?

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

tittynope small quantity

Yes, archaic word fans, a "tittynope" is a small quantity. It does not refer to a woman's bust (or lack of it). But can anyone who sees this word today resist thinking that it does?

mandala in the sky

Carl Jung wrote a book entitled Flying Saucers, which put forward the idea that UFOs are projections of the human collective unconscious -- mandalas (look it up!) in the sky. Interestingly, he did not deny that these "mandalas" also had physical existence.

excuse me clip art

Oh, don't apologize. We all need a little clip art now and then.

hornet topiary

An interesting pairing of words. Trimming a shrub in the shape of a hornet, or maybe a hornet's nest? Or is your shrubbery infested by hornets?

burning hell

I'm not sure why searching on this phrase would lead you here. I don't preach hellfire. Hell, I believe, is a state of mind resulting from mental resistance to the fact that we live in a....

catawampus universe

"Catawampus": awry, askew. All f'd up. SNAFU. That's our universe, all right, but it's possible to transcend. (I've always thought "catawampus" sounded like a weird sort of animal -- something like a combination of a lion and an octopus.)

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

vocabulary for panic

"I don't want to say I panicked. I'd rather say I was feeling some extreme disquietude."

essay on loser

Oh, Google, you would send someone searching for this to me, wouldn't you?

clip art borders toilet

You have to wonder what would possess someone to search on this phrase. What are you up to? Selling commodes? Encouraging employees to wash their hands?

the icarus wing design

My advice: don't seek a wing design associated with the name Icarus.

cheesy movie synopsis

"Hiding a profligate past, Peter (Harry Hamlin) plays footsie with swimsuit models despite the risk. Hiding her own history, the mysterious Brenda (Delia Sheppard) helps the project as only she can. Richard Roundtree creates the catch phrase, 'Do I smell Pepperoni?'" More here.

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits. Fish, water, bathtubs... this is a wet one.

surreal water

That's when you drink your Perrier from a spike-heeled shoe. Or something.

fish gazing proces

Sic. I have no idea what that is. The process of fish gazing? I do that a lot with my aquarium. That's the point of an aquarium, actually.

random metaphor generator

I AM a random metaphor generator, but I'm too tired to spout any right now. I'm running out of steam.

fishface clipart

Try this.

mary in a bathtub

I live in a working-class neighborhood, and you see bathtub Mary shrines all over. I've even photographed some. Pretty good for an unwed mother (with delusions of grandeur?) who was kicked out of her hometown.

gnome with bowler hat

You have to wonder why someone would be searching for that. Boredom? Free-association at the keyboard with Google on the screen? Anyway, good luck finding it. You may need it. A bowler hat is rather bourgeois for your garden-variety gnome, don't you think?

Search Party

Here's another collection of recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

gargoyle faces

I get this one a lot. They're fascinating, aren't they? Feast your eyes:



(Click 'em for close-ups. You know you want to.)

rabbit's rotting teeth

My advice: stop feeding candy and junk to your bunny. Lettuce and carrots do not rot human or bunny teeth.

herd of jellyfish

Do jellyfish travel in a "herd"? I picture a cowboy on a seahorse, rounding 'em up. Yee-haw... glub glub... no?

drip drop water into a cup

You're searching for that on Google? Not porn? You really are bored, aren't you?

O proud left foot

Proud of your left foot, huh? Don't make your right foot jealous.

Search Party

Here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. It's amazing what you people will type into Google. Time on your hands?

cat with wooden leg

I know a couple who have a three-legged cat (no lie) named, of course, Thumper. The cat does not have a wooden leg, and he walks very slowly. But he can run as fast as a four-legged feline. Strange.

dental root canal clip art

Just look for a picture of a guy with his mouth open, looking terrified.

grey insect chrysalis on curtain

That's a lovely decorating idea -- especially if the chrysalis hatches a butterfly. Of course if it hatches a moth that won't be good for the curtain.

metal haunted house to color

Something for the kiddies at Halloween, I guess, by why metal? That sounds more like a haunted bunker.

koi carp desk

For the goldfish who has everything....

front door color for beige house

Flaming red. Has to be.

Twitter Litter

So... why aren't you following me on Twitter?

You're missing out on my epigrammatic bird calls, such as:

Overheard at the 4th Street Art & Music Festival today: "Why aren't there more shootings at Target?"

~~~

Overheard at the train station today: "But he can't be ass dialing you from a land line!"

~~~

Someone sent me a compliment about my writing: "i like it plrease righted more!" Alas, it didn't make my day.

~~~

Dream: I was walking all over the city at night trying to remember where I parked the car. But it was in the garage. Meaning?

~~~

I am not making this up: There is a novel called "Apocalypse Cow" about an epidemic of zombie animals.

~~~

The original name for August was Sextillus. Imagine all the bad jokes we'd have to endure if the Romans had kept that name.

~~~

Bizarre day, and here's the topper: I'm now "friends" with a dog named Apricot Schnood Raphael.

~~~

Google Calendar wants to know: Would I like to compile a guest list for my next dental check-up? I think not.

~~~

About 95 degrees today. (33 C) "Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines..." (William Shakespeare)

~~~

Best book title I saw today: "The Mormonization of America".

~~~

"Empty the K-cup dispenser." I hear and obey.

~~~

I changed my windshield wiper blades today. [insert applause track here]

~~~

I frown upon the recent phenomenon I've observed in public restrooms of men who talk on the phone while peeing.

~~~

Follow me here. You know you want to.

You also want to read this blog on your Kindle.

Search Party

Here are some recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. I'm popular with the surrealists lately....

agent cooper woods

If I had a forest, I would name it after him, Twin Peaks fan that I am. All I have, though, is a gnarled apple tree and a miniature Japanese maple in my backyard. No Douglas firs (*sigh*). (This is New Jersey.)

twin artists with schizophrenia cracked egg painting

Intriguing image. It reminds me of an old, stupid joke: What do you get if you cross a painter with a boxer? Muhammad Dali.

animated spin wheel wrestle match

Hmm. I picture two sumos on a lazy susan.

laxative forced

I'm trying to imagine why you're googling for this. You must be extremely angry at someone or planning a college fraternity initiation.

what are q tips for

You use them to probe your... orifices.

20 guage wire ball

Okay....

Search Party

Here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. I seem to be a magnet for bored surfers engaging in weird, random, creepy googling when they should be working.

stone rolling down hill

Rolling stones UP hill is my thing.... They don't roll down again, but new ones keep appearing down below.

flash gordon conquers the universe

We would probably be better off if that happened.

meditation on the letter e

Easy eggs equal excellent eats on the edge of the equinox. Every essential edict evades erasure, even if egalitarian. Estimates evince evolutionary erudition, ever erratically. Endurance elicits equestrian effects, evidently. Earth entered elliptical error in the early enchantment era. Email eases enveloped, eclectic evenings like an enigmatic enema, eh? Exactly!

antique wooden leg

This is my photo -- but not my leg:



disturbing digital images erotic

Unless you're partial to wooden legs, this isn't that kind of site -- sorry to disappoint you. Why are you seeking to be disturbed, sir?

alabaster freak

Weird fetish? Odd sculpture? Excessive paleness? I'm not sure what you're looking for, but maybe this is it?

Search Party

Once again, here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. More surreal inquiries, more attempts at interpretation.

sweating and shivering clip art

Sweating and shivering in the same clip art? That's sick. You must be writing a newsletter about flu season. Or are you looking for two clip arts, hot and cold: one for sweating and one for shivering? Is your class studying about the weather, kid?

chevrolet elvis presley

As far as I know, he never drove a Chevy; he drove Cadillacs, as I found out when I visited Graceland several years ago. I took a picture of one:



Chicken without skin line art

Nude chickens are hard to draw. Not that I've spent a lot of time trying....

shattering roses

Interesting phrase. Clearly you don't mean real roses? They wilt; they don't shatter. Oh, unless you dip them in liquid nitrogen and then drop them. Is that what you're into? That's... special.

world nightmare incarnate

Dubya, in other words, according to Google. Bad as he was, that might be a bit over the top. Hitler? Stalin? Lindsay Lohan?

Search Party

Once again, here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. The usual weirdness, but more morbid this time. Tombstones. Skulls. Is Halloween coming early this year?

einstein fish

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
--Albert Einstein

True. But any fish that would take seriously someone's attempt to judge its tree-climbing abilities is an idiot anyway.

dave lynch and tombstone readings

This phrase is making weird pictures in my head. There are corpses ("wrapped in plastic") but not many tombstones in David Lynch's work. (That's more of a Poe thing, or an Edward Gorey thing.) He's reportedly fishing for ideas for this next film, so maybe he's even reading tombstones now? At this point, six years after his last film, I'd just prefer that he find some book he likes and film it. But whatever it takes, Dave.

hoghenhine

A word that means "a guest who stays more than three nights". Maybe if you start calling them hoghenines they'll finally get the hint and leave.

God Like Scary skull pic

What makes you think God looks like a scary skull? I prefer to think He looks like a giant blueberry muffin. Tell me I'm wrong!

running rabbit weathervane

Okay...



irritating sound crushing plastic bottles

There are certain sounds that I find intensely annoying, and that is one of them. Others are the classic nails on a chalkboard, audio feedback, balloon rubbing, nose blowing, and smoke-detector bleeping. Put me in a room with all of those sounds occurring at once and I think my head would explode.

Search Party

Here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. Um... you people are weird.

exploding basketball clipart

slam dunk... BLAM dunk!

charles addams the swamp

I suppose if you wanted to name a swamp after someone, Charles Addams (creator of the Addams Family) would be a good choice. Did you know that the Addams Family lived (lives?) in Westfield, New Jersey, Charles's home town?


body parts drawing of a boy

Sick, sick, sick....


bizarrerie hunting fuck

I can only assume you're playing "first word that comes to mind" with google.


chicken on a toilet clip art

Huh? Good luck finding that....


use honeyfuggle in sentence

Here's one:

"I won't honeyfuggle you about how tight things are."
--Gregory Benford, Furious Gulf


coffee cup drawing

You've given me an excuse to post this drawing of mine:



Maybe next I'll draw a chicken on a toilet. Or not.

scribomania support

You have my blessing, scribomaniacs.

Search Party

Here are a few recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. Lately, my visitors have been in a humorous and musical mood; others have sought inspiration from the visual arts. Some undoubtedly went away disappointed. So sorry about that....

ultra pencil sketches

As I revealed here recently, I like to draw. And my pencil sketches are indeed "ultra". Here's one:



Click on it for a close up, or regret it for the rest of your life.

bowler hat on a stick

That is kind of how I looked as a teenager, before I started working out. Now I'm built like a brick shithouse. People call me Clark Kent.

redneck beach house

This is when you turn yer rowboat over so the rain don't get in.

moor eeffoc

I.e., "coffee room" spelled backwards. Clever, but I think Charles Dickens thought of it first. Great name for a coffee shop... where you have to bring your own coffee.

funny quotes about wheelchairs

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.

Who can resist pan flute

Indeed! Elysian fields forever....

obey Beatles

Yes, obey them! Take a sad song and make it better, turn off your mind, and get back to where you once belonged. Become a happy retarded child.

Village Idiot Clipart

There are better ways to make your point, I think. Elected officials are notoriously impervious to clipart.

Much Ado about NOTHING

I can't make up my mind. Or I can. Or maybe not.

At work, we use logical punctuation. What is that, you may well ask. That is when you put the comma or period outside of the quotation marks, instead of inside them. The latter is the traditional American method, and like many American things, it's utterly illogical. (This is a country that still hasn't adopted the metric system and still expects people to pay for their health care.) Except when you're quoting something that actually contains the punctuation within the quote, there's no reason to put the comma or period inside.

Now you might be thinking of a word like "pedantic", he wrote. That's logical (the punctuation, I mean).

In most professionally edited American publications, you would see that sentence punctuated like so:

Now you might be thinking of a word like "pedantic," he wrote.

We Americans are gradually adopting the logical style, especially on the web, and it's only a matter of time, I think, before we're conquered by the British.

That's because the "logical" way to punctuate is also the standard British way, and as far as I'm concerned, the Brits are right. They invented the language, after all. The problem is that I was raised with American punctuation, and I find it hard to give it up, especially here. You may have noticed that sometimes I'm logical, and sometimes I'm not. So sue me, Mr. Spock.

I guess you could say the style here is ambiguous punctuation.

There's a sweet little article about all this, which includes Conan O'Brien's opinion on the subject, here.