Bob Hope One-Liners

"I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in England."
Explaining why his family emigrated to the USA when he was four.

"It gave dirty politics a bad name."
On the Watergate affair.

"I always like to go to Washington DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money."
On touring the US treasury.

"Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career."

"Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people."
To GIs based in Alaska.

"Please don't stand up on my account."
To a group of amputees.

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he is really pissed off."

"Lots of travel, away from home."
Explaining his long and happy marriage.

"If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it."
Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth $500m.

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom."

"She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap."

"Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens."

"Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days -- whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn."

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."

"There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

(More at Guardian Unlimited)