Micro Fiction: Chicken of the Sea

or a Freudian Nightmare

"Where the hell is that bus?" Ivan wondered. It was five minutes late, and he had to meet his friend at the city aquarium at one o'clock -- his neurotic friend who would freak like a fish out of water if he wasn't at the shark tank by one.

At least the spring weather was decent -- 60s and sunny, a bit windy -- and he had the bus stop to himself. When the bus finally arrived, he'd be able to clamber aboard quickly without waiting behind someone with five kids or a crone with a cane.

He began to pace back and forth from one end of the bus stop to the other. Looking down the sidewalk, he still didn't see the bus, but something else was coming: a kid on a bicycle. It was a teenager, pedaling fast, with one hand on the handlebars and the other swinging a plastic bag full of groceries.

The wind began to pick up as the bike got closer, and the biker began to fishtail back and forth from one side of the sidewalk to the other. Ivan stepped aside, but the bike suddenly swerved as it reached his spot on the sidewalk.

There was a sharp impact. For a moment, Ivan's mind went black.

Then he found himself resting on the sandy bottom of a deep pool. All around him were fluorescent fish and waving plants, and three semi-transparent mermaids sitting on coral thrones: a blue mermaid, a pink one, and a yellow one. They were topless, and their breasts bobbed up and down like multi-colored jellyfish. And they were all laughing at him.

"Are you okay? What's your name?" the blue one asked, between snickers, in a sing-song voice.

Ivan opened his mouth to answer, but only bubbles came out and a strangled, gurgling sound.

The blue mermaid giggled. "I've...an...what?" she said. "You've got a what?"

"He's got a clam sticker," the pink one said.

"He's let loose his trouser trout," added the yellow maid.

"Yes, he's okay. That's quite a fishing rod he's got there," the blue mermaid said.

Ivan suddenly realized that he was naked, and that they were discussing his anatomy.

He covered his privates with his hands as the mermaids continued to chuckle. Just as he did so, an enormous shark swam up and gobbled the blue mermaid. The pink mermaid then screamed, "help us!" and dissolved into a cloud of bubbles. The yellow one squealed, "You coward. Why don't you help us?" She quickly shrank and shape-shifted into a tiny angel fish and swam away.

The shark turned and began to swim toward Ivan. But he couldn't move; he was glued to the bottom of the ocean. The shark opened its jaws, and a long tentacle shot out. It grabbed Ivan around the ankle and yanked him into the gaping mouth.

He was sucked through a long, dark tunnel, at the end of which was the laughing blue mermaid, glowing in the dark. She opened her mouth wide, like a jawless snake, revealing rows of pointed teeth.

Just as she was about to bite his head off, a brilliant flash of light nearly blinded Ivan. He was lying on the sidewalk, looking up at the cloudless blue sky. And he was covered with groceries. "Are you okay?" someone asked.

There was something on his chest: a can of tuna fish with a fish-woman on the label. "Ask any mermaid you happen to see," Ivan mumbled. Already he could tell: It was going to be another one of those days.

...

(Based on a real incident and a dream.)