Word of the Day: gormless

Here's another excerpt from my much-anticipated (by me anyway) book, The Word I'm Thinking Of.

gormless (adjective)

Stupid, naïve, foolish, bone-headed

"'Come real, Jakob.' 'Get real is what you mean. Another gormless phrase.' 'Gormless?' Tom said. 'I dunno,' Jacob said irritably. 'Stupid, naff, silly."
--Aidan Chambers, Postcards from No Man's Land

I am very gormless sometimes, usually when I'm distracted. For example, I once drank some cleaning fluid that was kept in a water bottle that someone had put in the refrigerator because.... I don't remember why; I guess it had to be kept cool. Now, it might seem stupid in itself to put such stuff in a water bottle and keep it in the fridge. But the bottle was clearly labeled as cleaning fluid and the label said "DON'T DRINK". As usual, though, I was thinking about work or some errand I needed to run, or a cult TV show or film, or some song was playing in my head. I just reached in, pulled out the bottle and took a swig -- and spit it out, though I swallowed a little. Luckily it wasn't caustic, just terrible tasting. I didn't get sick, but I did make the further gormless mistake of telling someone what I had just done. I was called "absent-minded Michael" for about a week after that.

Photo of the Week

Last weekend, when I went to visit my crazy Aunt Helen at the Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital, I encountered an escaped mental patient in the parking lot. She was wearing a dress that appeared to be stitched together from latex gloves and a plastic bucket on her head as she slowly crawled toward me like some kind of human tarantula. As she drew closer, and as I pulled out my cell phone camera, I heard her singing inside her makeshift space helmet. The song was the Burt Bacharach classic "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" -- or something that sounded very much like it. It was hard to make out the lyrics, because her voice echoed so much inside the bucket. The whole thing gave me the creeps! When I reported her at the hospital's front desk, the receptionist said "not again" with an exasperated tone. I later saw some guys chasing the escapee around the parking lot with what looked like an enormous butterfly net.

Actually, I just made all that up. This is a photo I snapped at an art/performance event -- "Environment Investigation" -- by Shua Group, an avant-garde dance troop based in Jersey City. There were several female performers involved, all dressed similarly in latex-glove dresses. They did several things with buckets besides wearing them on their heads as they slowly moved in unison, picking up and dropping pieces of trash around a concrete skate-boarding pad on the edge of the city. The total effect was quite hypnotic. Click the pic (and another one from this event here) for a closer view and to be gob-smacked by the boundary-breaking cultural innovation of it all.

Twitter Litter

So... why aren't you following me on Twitter?

You're missing out on my epigrammatic bird calls, such as:

Overheard at the 4th Street Art & Music Festival today: "Why aren't there more shootings at Target?"

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Overheard at the train station today: "But he can't be ass dialing you from a land line!"

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Someone sent me a compliment about my writing: "i like it plrease righted more!" Alas, it didn't make my day.

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Dream: I was walking all over the city at night trying to remember where I parked the car. But it was in the garage. Meaning?

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I am not making this up: There is a novel called "Apocalypse Cow" about an epidemic of zombie animals.

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The original name for August was Sextillus. Imagine all the bad jokes we'd have to endure if the Romans had kept that name.

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Bizarre day, and here's the topper: I'm now "friends" with a dog named Apricot Schnood Raphael.

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Google Calendar wants to know: Would I like to compile a guest list for my next dental check-up? I think not.

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About 95 degrees today. (33 C) "Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines..." (William Shakespeare)

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Best book title I saw today: "The Mormonization of America".

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"Empty the K-cup dispenser." I hear and obey.

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I changed my windshield wiper blades today. [insert applause track here]

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I frown upon the recent phenomenon I've observed in public restrooms of men who talk on the phone while peeing.

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Follow me here. You know you want to.

You also want to read this blog on your Kindle.

Random Sequence

[random phrases (from here) worked into a story]

Pianissimo Famine

"I'm a little tired of this macrobiotic library of comestibles," Nat said cautiously as he poured Serena a glass of Gewurztraminer wine. He was famished after a week of seemingly nothing but her kitchen repertoire of quinoa and lentils. "Can't we have some real food?"

"Real food? Stop nagging. We can take a break from our pianissimo famine, if that's how you think of it. It was only an experiment," said Serena. He could see she was disappointed in him.

"I have an unexplored urge for a seaboard repast," suggested Nat -- though what he really craved was a Big Mac infused with cheese. "With a contemporaneous herring," he added.

"And maybe some portentous sauce to go with it?" Serena said, sarcastically.

"Yes! And a vinaigrette opportunity."

"Fish and a salad..." Serena mused. "You do realize that both can be prepared and consumed without straying from our macrobiotic meal plan?"

"Whatever. Just please include some dessert, honey," said Nat.

"Honey for dessert? I just happen to have a delicious jar of unimaginable local honey," Serena said. "But we'll have to think of something to spread it on."

"Toast?" Nat suggested.

"To us!" Serena said, smiling superciliously as she raised her glass.

Nat realized it was going to be a long and ravenous evening.

[Not to be continued]

Word of the Day: cromulent

Here's a little excerpt from a book I wrote by accident....

cromulent (adjective)

Authentic, valid, fine or excellent

"Whatever your French villa preference this cromulent resort in Dalat has you covered."
--hotelchatter.com

This word, which was coined by the writers (or a writer) of The Simpsons, seems to be seeping into the common language, and is already included in some online dictionaries. I'm not sure why we need it, but I like the sound of it. And one of the great things about the English language is that we have so many ways of saying the same thing.

By the way, what's your French villa preference?

Much Ado about NOTHING

The key has been found!

For months, I've been looking all over the house for my car key. It's a bulky little thing, with an electronic gizmo inside that locks and unlocks car doors like magic. Since I don't drive every day, I don't have it in my pocket most of the time. I used to keep it on top of my dresser, which is inside my closet, and one day it just seemed to vanish. I almost tore my closet apart looking for it, thinking that it had fallen down among the old Converses and dust bunnies. No luck. When I did need to drive, I had to use my wyfe's key, while wondering if I had somehow dropped mine in the street and would never see it again.

The other day, my wyfe was retrieving some blankets from an ottoman that doubles as a storage unit. Inside, under some blankets, she found the key. Neither of us knows how it got in there.

I'm beginning to wonder if my house is haunted.

Link Mania: Neutron-Emission Loofa?

Hey, we're 12 years into the 21st century, George Jetson. So why hasn't anyone invented a....

neutron uni-radiation transformer shield
infini-particle compound
Kirlian flux energy bomb
space particle focus beam
full-spectrum force-field generator
space dust reflector magnet
anti-matter emission antiperspirant
atomic hyper-transporter network
reverse-polarity prismator
neutron nega-reflector gun
Kirlian transmitter
Kirlian alloy negator
Gaussian aero-pulse dental floss
incini-force sphere
mu-particle flux spectralyzer
incini-ray armor
reverse microwave flash freezer
electro-wave sonic bidet
dark matter spectralyzer probe
electron flux emitter bomb
neutron-emission loofa
full-spectrum cryo-vestor emitter array
polarity cryo-converter
microwave neutralizer suit
ultrasonic back scratcher

Need more?

Photo of the Week

Here we see the iconic sign for the Church of Satan in Tannisville, New Jersey. The "church" is famous for its spectacular Halloween parties, at which revelers engage in wild orgies involving goats, chocolate, and Astroglide.

Actually, I just made that up. This is part of the marquee of the old Stanley Theater, in the Journal Square area of Jersey City. These days, it's used as the local Assembly Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. That's kind of sad -- I'd much rather see it used as an entertainment complex, like the nearby Landmark Loews Jersey Theater, which hosts everything from classic films to rock concerts. But at least the Witnesses have restored the Stanley to its former elegance and are keeping it well-maintained. Click my pic for a close-up view and prepare to be stirred and staggered.

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Meditation on the Letter S

Shhhh! Sometimes swans seek serenity, sailing slowly seaword so silently. See? Subtle sorcery still smothers slugging sentiments. Sadly, sundown sinks solar safaris, sending suckers southward. Sin surrounds sex, so simpletons say. Sick! Such santimoniuous seasons seem senseless, sequestered sans syrup. Since September, seven Samurai shiver simultaneously, shaking swords supurbly. Snakes sound silly, swishing sangria; some swill Singapore Slings! Symbolic smooching? Simulated sympathy? Sucks!

Word of the Day: perspicacious

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Word I'm Thinking Of: A Devilish Dictionary of Difficult Words, which will be out later this fall from Zabriskie Street Press. Yes, my own demented dictionary.

perspicacious (adjective)

Having keen understanding, mental perception or discernment.

"This world where she had lived for eleven years was magical, too, in so many ways, if a person was perspicacious enough to notice the numerous wonders of it. Perspicacious was her new favorite word. It meant 'having keen insight,' an almost uncanny ability to see through -- and to comprehend -- what is dark and obscure. Unfortunately, there was a terrible shortage of perspicacity these days but veritable oceans of dark and obscure."
--Dean Koontz, What the Night Knows

Sometimes I think I'm really good at seeing through people -- at perspicacity -- but then I find out they have as many layers as an onion, and I've only penetrated the top layer. You find out the quiet guy is writing horror scripts in his spare time. The corporate executive is teaching guitar lessons on the side. And the checkout lady of a certain age at the supermarket wows everybody with a jaw-dropping dance routine on American Idol. (All true.) It's a good thing I like people who are full of surprises. Otherwise, I would spend a lot of time being... disconcerted.

Search Party

Here are some recent search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania. I'm popular with the surrealists lately....

agent cooper woods

If I had a forest, I would name it after him, Twin Peaks fan that I am. All I have, though, is a gnarled apple tree and a miniature Japanese maple in my backyard. No Douglas firs (*sigh*). (This is New Jersey.)

twin artists with schizophrenia cracked egg painting

Intriguing image. It reminds me of an old, stupid joke: What do you get if you cross a painter with a boxer? Muhammad Dali.

animated spin wheel wrestle match

Hmm. I picture two sumos on a lazy susan.

laxative forced

I'm trying to imagine why you're googling for this. You must be extremely angry at someone or planning a college fraternity initiation.

what are q tips for

You use them to probe your... orifices.

20 guage wire ball

Okay....

Fish Food for Thought

Agree? More clip-art philosophy by me (and Bob Marley). You can catch the BIG fish here. And more Philosofish here.

Head Rattle

I.
I said recently on a public forum (the Book of Faces) that I see "little spinning circles" when I close my eyes. I was referring to the digital spinners one sees when a certain program in Windows is having one of its frequent, maddening pauses -- it seems to take a little siesta every so often -- but some people assumed I was referencing the current political situation. I thought that was hilarious, but the more I think about it, the more apt it seems. Up, down, and around and around. I wish it was over.

II.
Halloween came a little early this year at my house. (Though not as early as Xmas at the drugstore.) My spouse has apparently caught the spirit. Our front porch is festooned with incandescent eye balls, and inside we have skulls, bats, a stuffed faux rat, variations on the jack-o'-lantern theme, and some plastic blood spatters on the windows. I hope nobody thinks there was a mass murder in here.

III.
I saw it. I liked it. The Master, big-budget art film, is a movie with "Best Picture" potential, and Joaquin Phoenix is a superb actor, maybe the "Best Actor". Maybe P.T. Anderson is the "Best Director". I don't know. Hollywood prefers a happy ending, and this is not a feel-good movie. Cults give me the creeps, much more than stuffed rats. I used to know some people involved in a cult-like organization. The human capacity to simultaneously believe something while knowing deep down that it's all crap is truly frightening -- and not necessarily confined to the members of a cult.