Head Rattle

I.My book is entitled The Word I'm Thinking Of, which is a phrase from a Beatles song ("The Word"). I discovered today that there's also a song by Sam Radseresht with the same title. (You can hear a sample from it on iTunes.) Meh. I don't think I'll be making it my theme song.

II.I wonder how many Tea Party people actually drink tea, or whether they serve tea at their rallies. They seem much more like Kool-Aid drinkers to me.

III.House flies only live for up to 14 days, I'm told, but I read an interesting article that points out that, to a fly, 14 days might seem like 80 years. They can process nearly seven times as much information in a second as a human -- which is why they are so hard to swat. We seem incredibly slow to them. To a fly, we live as long as giant Sequoias -- trees that thrive for thousands of years. It's all relative, said Professor Einstein. (Fly drawing by me.)

Head Rattle

I.I was surprised to see that my new car's manual starts out with a poem extolling the manufacturer's products. I imagine the technical writer was surprised to be asked to include a few lines of verse -- or maybe even to compose it. Or not? Maybe all manuals start out with a poetic invocation in Japan.

II.Samovar, odalisque, balustrade, mesallied: The Decemberists are clearly a band of logophiles.

III.I downloaded the Twin Peaks Archive -- an eclectic collection of over 200 tracks, ranging from jazz to country western to dark ambient. It amounts to 10 hours of previously unreleased music from the extremely melodic TV series Twin Peaks and its prequel film, Fire Walk With Me. If a sample track title like "Log Lady Presence" doesn't resonate with you... I can't explain it.

Head Rattle

I.Let's say a wormhole appeared under your sofa. Would you be tempted to jump in, not knowing where you'd come out on the other side? I'm "reading" a novel about that very subject. In the book, many people feel tempted and jump in, never to return. Which led me to an interesting thought: Don't we all end up in a hole, sooner or later, never to return?

II.I have shelved any near-future plans I may have had to visit the Pyramids.

III.Hello, NSA analyst. I hope this blog brightens your day.

Head Rattle

I.Why aren't girls ever named "Olive" anymore?

II.Unspoken summer BBQ and pool-party rule: only men and children actually get into the pool.

III.You can buy diapers for dogs now. What a wonderful world!

IV.Automobile brands used to have distinctive looks. Now they mostly look like variations on the same theme: vaguely cat-eye-shaped headlights and cat-eye-ish taillights; grills that grin. It's boring. I want a car that looks like this:

Head Rattle

I.I wanted to buy some Vans shoes, just like the ones I saw a guy on the train wearing. They come in (seemingly) hundreds of two-tone colors, but I can't find exactly "the ones", which are more subtle, colorwise, than most of them. Who says you can find everything on the internets?

II.When you hear someone else reading aloud the words you've written, it's on odd experience. Not cringe-worthy, like it might be if you heard a recording of yourself reading them, but you realize that every reader "hears" your words differently in his/her own head -- not exactly the way you hear them in your head. It makes you realize that you'll never know the exact effect your writing has until someone else reads it.

III.I had lunch yesterday in a crowded diner on the the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I was surprised to also see a somewhat famous comedian (initials J.M.), whose act I've never liked, also eating lunch in this rather downscale hamburger joint. Nobody was bothering him, staring, or asking for autographs, although the waiters seemed to be giving him some extra attention. It reminded me of why celebrities live in New York.

Head Rattle

I.Mapquest GPS lady on my iPhone, your directions are appreciated but occasionally puzzling. Do you know a shortcut? Should I trust you?

II.Is it cooler upstairs or downstairs? Restaurant workers don't want to answer this question on a hot day. They are not thermometers.

III.When everything about the decor of a doctor's waiting room has a blandly neutral, quasi-"Japanese"/Zen vibe, and they have a gurgling white-noise generator going while you're sitting there reading an old copy of The New Yorker, you have to wonder what this particular interior decorating strategy signifies. Is it a palliative to the inevitably distressing issues discussed behind all those closed doors?

IV.They don't make French doors like they used to. Now they have grill inserts to indicate the idea of panes, rather than separate panes. This is another example of how more and more things are "meta" these days: an abstraction to indicate the idea of something, rather than the thing itself.

V.The "secret" of Gertrude Stein's peculiar writing style The New Yorker says is that she rarely used commas and that makes her prose sound both deceptively simple and profound in case you were wondering.

Head Rattle

I.If you have the opportunity to go to Paris, there aren't many good reasons to say no.

II.Some people can't take a hint. But if the hint is strong enough, you start to wonder if the person is purposely not getting it.

III.Many people are into social media, but some people are into anti-social media.

IV.Texas is another state of mind.

V.Sometimes you don't want to be reminded of the past, but you don't want to forget the good parts either. This can lead to contradictory behavior.

VI.Love is not about entertainment value.

VII.I'm pretty sure that you know that I know that you're pretty sure you know that I know.

Head Rattle

I.Book title of the day: Father Christmas Needs a Wee. It's a British kids' book that's about exactly what it sounds like. TMI, if you ask me.

II.Meditation CDs for... dogs. Yes, there is such a thing, I've discovered. That's stretching it, right? Someone told me they tried one, and it made their dog start barking.


III.Reading over my new "Last Will & Testament" last night. It's not like on TV, where you leave your various tchotchkes to distant relatives and deliberately cut out anyone who's been nasty to you. Someone specific should get my antique wheelchair full of manikin parts, though....

Head Rattle

I.I saw The Place Beyond the Pines, and thought it an excellent film. I couldn't figure out the title though, since I didn't see any pines in the movie -- just lots of deciduous trees. Then I later stumbled across the meaning: the film takes place in (and was shot in) Schenectady, New York, and "Schenectady" is a Indian word meaning "place beyond the pines". My brother and nephews live in nearby Scotia, New York, which is also where some of it was filmed. I'll have to ask them how things are in the place beyond the pines and see if they know what I'm talking about.

II.I actually used the word "onerous" in a conversation today, without thinking about it. I was speaking with someone about my familiarity with and ability to use British spelling, so she wouldn't have to worry about it if it was too onerous. "Well, maybe we'll send you some Scottish and see how you do with that," she said, jokingly. At least I hope it was a joke. Ho ye! Whit's fur ye'll no go past ye.

Head Rattle

I.Saw 42 (true story) with someone who usually obsesses over plot holes. None this time. Can real life have plot holes? Maybe.

II.Cognitive dissonance: Hearing an actor (Freddy Highmore) interviewed and suddenly realizing that he's a Brit. I'm guessing it's easier to fake an American accent than a British one.

III.Werewolf erotica? Yes, it exists, and even in audio form. I don't indulge, but the question is, who does? Truck drivers, I'm guessing. Staying awake for the long haul must be tough.

Head Rattle

I.New trend: stores calling customers "guests". Rite Aid, I'm only your "guest" if you serve me free coffee and donuts.

II.Today is Easter! Somebody wished me a "happy zombie Jesus day" today. We celebrated by biting off chocolate bunny ears.

III.Watched the movie Hitchcock today, about the making of Psycho. Best line: "Call me 'Hitch' and hold the 'cock'." He was like that.

IV.What is the difference between "all natural" and "organic"? Pesticide?

V.North Korea announces it is in a "state of war" with South Korea. This is news? Haven't they been at war since the early 1950s?

VI.I'm reminded today that teenage boys take really long showers. My nephew seems to be aiming for the Guinness Book of World Records.

VII.A 90-year-old man that I only see every few months never seems to remember me. But a relative's dog that I only see every few months always seems to remember me. He wants me to rub the side of his head in exactly the same way every time. Maybe I should try rubbing the old man's head.

Head Rattle

I.It's interesting that when I'm reading my own book (a proof copy) on the PATH train, the ride seems to go much faster than when I'm reading someone else's.

II.While hiking around in Central Park the other day, I passed a woman wearing a gold-sequined evening gown on one of the trails. This was at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon. There's a story there somewhere.

III.Today is National Grammar Day. I care not. That's because every day is grammar day, given what I do for a living. National Grammar Day is for those who don't know an appositive from a gerund. Right?

IV.That news item about the sink hole that opened up under a house and swallowed a man while he was asleep in bed is the stuff of nightmares. The state of Florida, which is largely composed on porous limestone, is apparently like an unstable hunk of Swiss cheese. Think about that the next time you're wandering around the Magic Kingdom.

V.Somebody gave me some gourmet Lamill coffee beans, brand name Black Velvet, today. They came all the way from Los Angeles, not a city especially known for caffeine consumption, although legendary coffee imbiber David Lynch lives there. Let's see what happens when I grind them up. If they taste as damn fine as they smell, I may need to track down more of this West Coast roast.

Head Rattle

I.Both "metadata" and "Jersey City" were mentioned on TV sudser Revenge this week. Did I write that episode?

II.My wyfe gave me a milk-chocolate deer head for Valentine's Day. My God, we're weird people.

III.On the wall of a bus this evening, I saw a small white sticker that just said "Sem.i.no.mad.iC" Intriguing. I had to Google it to find out what this odd word, and even odder punctuation, meant. Rock band? Religious cult? Hipster travel agency? No, it's a funky, urban "lifestyle brand" fashion line. Of course. I was hoping for something a little more esoteric or uncanny.

Head Rattle

I.The proof copy of my magnum opus has at last arrived. Yipee! Too bad I don't have time to read it right now.

II.Flower power and cognitive dissonance: an amaryllis blooms on the windowsill as a blizzard approaches (according to TV news).

III.Resolved: Answering the land line is never a good idea.

Head Rattle

I.So glad I obtained a flu shot a couple of weeks ago, now that so many places are running out of the vaccine. I got it at my local Rite Aid at no cost,just by flashing my healthcare-insurance card and filling out a dumb form. It's that wonderful time of year when you can get stuck with a needle and shot up with dead viruses for free. And feel grateful for it.

II.I'm reading The Count of Monte Cristo, mainly because my wyfe is a big fan of a nighttime TV soap opera that is a contemporary retelling of it. Now I can say, "That was in the book!" It's from an era when even sailors and convicts spoke in flowery 19th-century cadences. Apparently, everybody took elocution lessons back then.

III.Picked up some flotsam on the street tonight, a couple of blocks from my home: a garden ornament in the shape of a Grecian woman carrying a vase. It's made of plaster-covered concrete, or something, and weighed a TON. Someone had put it out with their trash, though it's in great shape. I just barely staggered home with it and couldn't get it much past the front door. This weekend, I'll display it in the back yard -- and probably skip a workout.

Head Rattle

I.When the bulb burns out on your car's headlight, why is it so onerous to replace it? It requires removing and disassembling the entire headlight... pod, I guess you would call it. I was forced to drive home from upstate New York tonight in near blizzard conditions with only one headlight.

II.Skyping with people in Brazil over the holidays made me realize that the time zone for Sao Paulo is three hours ahead of the eastern United States. London is five hours ahead, so it's as if Brazil is in the middle of the Atlantic, relative to New York. Odd.

III.I won't miss 2012 much. Here's hoping 2013 is a better year. Rearrange the numerals and you get 0123. A year of progress?

Head Rattle

I.I'm proofing my book -- and making some changes. There's no deadline, but I want to finish it before the end of the year. If the world ends this December (when that Mayan calendar runs out), as some people fear, I don't want to leave anything half finished.

II.Overheard on the train: "I wonder what it's like to be a tree and fall on somebody." Must admit, I've never thought about that.

III.A colleague writes: "There is such a thing as Sasquatch erotica. I quit humanity." There is such a thing as audio (only) erotica, too, which seems almost as absurd to me.

IV."I have a question about the subjunctive," someone says. "Ought oh," I say.

V.My wyfe has purchased a collapsible "travel" hula hoop. (Don't ask.) Wish I'd known she wanted that and had waited. My Xmas shopping would be done.

Head Rattle

I.Myanmar has been in the news recently, thanks to a US presidential visit. I prefer to call it Burma, not Myanmar. Myanmar sounds like an antidepressant or a type of acrylic.... Every time I hear the word "Burma", I think of the classic advertising campaign for Burma Shave shaving cream. It was a bit before my time, but it's legendary. The Burma Shave company erected roadside signs all over mid-20th-century America with humorous, rhyming, punning slogans, such as:

Keep well / To the right / Of the oncoming car / Get your close shaves / From the half pound jar / Burma-Shave

Thinking about that today, I had a sudden inspiration for a different type of product:

Reading while steering / Will not get you very far / So listen to a book / While driving your car

Audiobooks, get it?

II.Also in the news: Israel. It's the 21st century; where is all the sci-fi technology we were promised in a million books, TV shows and movies? Israel needs a force field.

III.Oh, and Washington, DC's "fiscal cliff"? That's probably an overly dramatic metaphor. It's more like a fiscal sinkhole or a downward slope. Words matter.

Head Rattle

I.Past tense, past perfect tense, present tense, future tense.... things are tense when you're trying to transform a screenplay into a book. Screenplays are written in present tense, as are many literary "MFA" narratives. Someone has been asking me about how to turn his sci-fi/horror script into a genre novel. Put it all in past tense, I advised. It works for Stephen King. Agree?

II.The glossy "handbook" has been printed (see November 7 post below), and there it is, my smiling, bespectacled visage, one among many in a sea of diverse faces: black, white, Asian, male, female.... It almost looks like one of those old United Colors of Benneton ads. This is actually my third modeling gig. A couple of years ago, the back of my head was featured in an online ad promoting Newark, New Jersey, as a place for businesses to set up shop. And back when I was twentysomething, I posed for the cover of a book about... teenage alcoholism. Modeling is glamorous alright. Yep.

III.What if tormented poet Sylvia Plath, said by several biographers to have enjoyed whipping up a culinary masterpiece now and then, had written a cook book? Here are some of "her" holiday cooking tips. "Turkey: Make sure you tender the meat. / Care for it as you would a child. / Sadness tastes bitter on anxious lips." (No "head in the oven" jokes...)

Head Rattle

I.
I said recently on a public forum (the Book of Faces) that I see "little spinning circles" when I close my eyes. I was referring to the digital spinners one sees when a certain program in Windows is having one of its frequent, maddening pauses -- it seems to take a little siesta every so often -- but some people assumed I was referencing the current political situation. I thought that was hilarious, but the more I think about it, the more apt it seems. Up, down, and around and around. I wish it was over.

II.
Halloween came a little early this year at my house. (Though not as early as Xmas at the drugstore.) My spouse has apparently caught the spirit. Our front porch is festooned with incandescent eye balls, and inside we have skulls, bats, a stuffed faux rat, variations on the jack-o'-lantern theme, and some plastic blood spatters on the windows. I hope nobody thinks there was a mass murder in here.

III.
I saw it. I liked it. The Master, big-budget art film, is a movie with "Best Picture" potential, and Joaquin Phoenix is a superb actor, maybe the "Best Actor". Maybe P.T. Anderson is the "Best Director". I don't know. Hollywood prefers a happy ending, and this is not a feel-good movie. Cults give me the creeps, much more than stuffed rats. I used to know some people involved in a cult-like organization. The human capacity to simultaneously believe something while knowing deep down that it's all crap is truly frightening -- and not necessarily confined to the members of a cult.