Head Rattle

I.New trend: stores calling customers "guests". Rite Aid, I'm only your "guest" if you serve me free coffee and donuts.

II.Today is Easter! Somebody wished me a "happy zombie Jesus day" today. We celebrated by biting off chocolate bunny ears.

III.Watched the movie Hitchcock today, about the making of Psycho. Best line: "Call me 'Hitch' and hold the 'cock'." He was like that.

IV.What is the difference between "all natural" and "organic"? Pesticide?

V.North Korea announces it is in a "state of war" with South Korea. This is news? Haven't they been at war since the early 1950s?

VI.I'm reminded today that teenage boys take really long showers. My nephew seems to be aiming for the Guinness Book of World Records.

VII.A 90-year-old man that I only see every few months never seems to remember me. But a relative's dog that I only see every few months always seems to remember me. He wants me to rub the side of his head in exactly the same way every time. Maybe I should try rubbing the old man's head.

The T&T List

Inagua Airport
Perry Mason
Plum jerkum
On High in Blue Tomorrows
Gretsch Duo Jet
The New York Jedi
Djimon Hounsou
Benedict Cumberbatch
edamame bean
Hakalau Forest
foraminifera
Utricularia tricolor

Much Ado about NOTHING

The Scab

I had an itch, and I scratched it. It bled. And there's a small scab on my forehead.

A couple of people have asked me "what happened? Did you walk into a door?" I said I was in a fight. I was jesting, but someone actually believed me. So I said "not really!" Somebody else said, "The'fight' story is so much better."

So, maybe I'll keep telling people I was in a brawl. If they ask for the details, I'll say, "I don't want to talk about it" in a pained voice. If they ask me if I won, I'll say "Of course! But I really don't want to talk about it" in an even more pained voice. And if they insist on knowing what the blowup was about, I'll just say, "Let me put it this way. I had an itch, and I scratched it" -- and let them assume what they will.

But I'll probably chicken out and say "not really!" I'd be terrible in a fight.

Word of the Day: shemozzle

What's "the word I'm thinking of"? Today, it's....

shemozzle (noun)

A state of confusion and chaos; an uproar

"'What a shemozzle, isn't it?' he said dazedly. 'I think we'd better get out of this don't you?'"
--Roland Pertwee, Men of Affairs (1922)

A few years ago, when I lived in a slightly more urban area, one of my Saturday-night entertainments was simply to look out of my living-room window at a different sort of shemozzle. A crowd of drunken young men would often spill out of a divey bar across the street that called itself The Oasis (but I called The Fight Club). Inevitably, noisy spats would break out, including knife-wielding contretemps. The fracas would eventually draw a wailing squad car to the scene, at which point all the dipsomaniacs and belligerents would scatter, roach-like, in all directions. It was better than reality TV.

Nothingness: Quote of the Day

I've got nothing to say, but it's okay. Here's a quotation:

"Dan Alilpaz asks: Before the inception of the universe, there apparently existed only a singularity, outside of which existed 'nothing'. My question is simple: what is the 'nothing' that you speak of that exists outside the singularity? Can it be explained?

Bill Bryson (author of A Short History of Nearly Everything) replies: No. There may be astrophysicists or really brainy people who can somehow grasp the idea of total nothingness, but as hard as I try, the closest I can come to it is just an idea of a big, dark, empty space. But of course there was no space, no time, no existence of any kind - not even a dot, nothing at all you can focus on. And I personally don't think the human mind can really get to grips with that. I don't think anybody can really meaningfully imagine 'nothing'. Certainly not me."

Much Ado about NOTHING

Zero Dark Oz

The only movies I've seen lately are Oz the Great and Powerful (in 3D) and Zero Dark Thirty. Quite a combination! One is Disney's overproduced, cash-in prequel to a classic film, and the other is a gritty, often horrific docudrama about the hunt for a terrorist, complete with grisly torture scenes. Simply as a mental exercise, I've been trying to think if these movies, which seem so utterly different on the surface, have anything in common. And guess what, they do!

1. Female characters (witches, a CIA agent) obsessed with an elusive and confounding male figure (a "wizard", Osama bin Laden).
2. Unusual settings: Islamabad and Oz, both of which seem like bad dreams -- for very different reasons.
3. People flying -- in bubbles and helicopters.
4. Explosions; they figure prominently in both stories.
5. Scenes with monkeys!

Yes, these films are actually quite similar when you think about it. It's as if the directors got together and compared notes. Even the titles mirror each other, if you use a cracked mirror: Oz, ZerO.

I'll wager I'm the only genius on the entire Internet to point out these curious similarities.

Photo of the Week

The local library has this big, baroque flowerpot outside. It's usually empty, which seems a shame, so last December I asked them if they wanted my Xmas tree, the potted one I had bought for a change. (I hate throwing away a dead, desiccated Xmas tree.) To my surprise, the library accepted. So now A Tree Grows in...Jersey City.

Actually, I just made that up. This is a planter I photographed outside a famous residence on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. (I think the building is called The Wyoming, The Montana, or something like that.) Lately, I've been visiting a relative in that neighborhood every Saturday and meanwhile re-familiarizing myself with the area's many stunning architectural details.

Click the pic for a closer view. It gets better.

Word of the Day

What's "the word I'm thinking of"? Today, it's....

minatory (adjective)

Menacing or threatening

"He was often observed peeping through the bars of a gate and making minatory gestures with his small forefinger while he scolded the sheep with an inarticulate burr, intended to strike terror into their astonished minds."
--George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss (1860)

I observed a sheep being sheered once, at a state fair. The animal was scared and made a weird, keening sound that was undoubtedly the sheep equivalent of a scream. Those huge, noisy electric clippers were minatory, to the sheep -- something I occasionally think about when I wear wool.

Hey Clack Dish!

Whenever I'm in a cranky mood, like today, I like to read through my collection of genuine Shakespearean insults. Here are a few:

Thou gleeking milk-livered fustilarian!
Thou artless elf-skinned clack-dish!
Thine horrid image doth unfix my hair.
May the worm of conscience still begnaw thy soul.
Thou lumpish ill-nurtured vassal!
Thy bones are hollow; impiety has made a feast of thee.
Thou warped rump-fed maggot-pie!
Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters.

Now I feel better.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Way I Feel

Nostalgic. The last few weekends, I've been trekking to the Upper West Side of Manhattan to visit a relative who's in rehab at Phoenix House on 74th Street. I haven't been up there in ages, and it reminds me of a past life when I used to spend a lot of time in that neighborhood. They're mostly bad memories, but those can be the most poignant.

Elitist. I went to a birthday party for a three-legged cat last night. How many people in the world can say that?

Frustrated. It's taking forever to get this damn book of mine finished. I keep finding little things I want to tweak, especially in the way the pages are laid out. Even in this futuristic era of DIY, print on demand, and e-publishing -- it's still a bitch to pump a book out, even a short (170-page) one.

Word of the Day x3

What's "the word I'm thinking of"? Today there are three....

deipnosophist (noun)

Someone who is skilled in dinner-table talk

"Garvin's reputation as a deipnosophist almost made up for his notoriety as a cook."

volitant (adjective)

1. Flying, or capable of flying. 2. Moving about rapidly.

"When Mother gets violent, frying pans get volitant."

gossoon (noun)

A boy; lad.

"'I never send a gossoon to do a man's work,' declared the prodigiously erudite Mr. Webster. 'Or a baboon, either,' he whispered as Elmer stumbled into the room."

Search Party

Here's another collection of search queries that brought seekers to this temple of scribomania, featuring the usual mix of obscure enthusiasms, weird obsessions, and trivial pursuits.

haikus about taking a bath

Okay....

Remove your clothing
Then fill the tub with water
Immerse and use soap

Anton chekhov, Lady and the Laptop

I've never heard of that Chekhov story. Are you sure you don't mean Pavel Chekov?

tragic elements in shakespearian comedies

It's much easier to find comic elements in Shakespearean tragedies. That might make a better topic for your paper.

spalding gray nude

Just let him rest in peace. Sheesh.

hilarious paper automata

Hmm. Try searching for "robotic origami giggle-fest."

church of the poisoned mind harmonica

What a great name for a blog!

outsourcing "spider hole" phrase

Yes, they're outsourcing everything these days.

how to do twist

You mean THE twist? Swivel your shoulders while you grind your foot.

stories by prostitutes

You won't find any here. I don't get paid for my stories. :(