Much Ado about NOTHING

Ever call the Verizon customer-service number? You don't get to talk to a human (unless you press zero and wait a loonnnggg time while listening to meandering chill tunes). Instead, a sweet but no-nonsense female AI voice asks you to say various phrases as she entices you through an endless audio flow chart of service menus.

"Please say 'yes' or 'no'" is "her" favorite command; ambiguity she will not tolerate. If you give a more complex response (like "nah" or "absolutely baby"), she doesn't understand, and a hint of annoyance drifts into her voice as she says "I didn't quite get that." Balloon pop: it's as if you've told a joke to someone with no sense of humor.

"All right, let's start over. I can [blah, blah, blah] or I can [blah, blah]" she says, as if speaking to a child. "I can perform the following operations to your account: change of services, cancellation, speak to an agent....Please say 'speak to an agent'". OK, android lady. Whatever sweet nothing will turn you on.

I picture a woman in an audio-recording booth, repeating banalities like "Okay, what number are you calling about?" for hour after hour, trying to achieve a perfect blend of chipper solicitude and patient-but-firm authority. "A little more assertive this time, Sheila," the director says. "But not too bitchy."