The Man in the Mirror

My free, non-professional legal advice for Michael Jackson:

1. Sell Neverland and move into a modest apartment in LA.

2. Eat more and work out at a gym. Gain 50 pounds as fast as possible.

3. Cut your hair short.

4. Get rid of the eye-liner and lipstick. If your pallor really is due to a skin condition, use a bronzer, or something. If possible, get a more realistic nose. (You apparently know a plastic surgeon.) Try to look like the good-looking black man you once were.

5. No surgical masks. Wear jeans and T-shirts, or a suit and tie.

6. Surround yourself with mature adults who aren't paid bodyguards. (Not just Liz Taylor--some "real" people as well.) Do not appear in public (or in private, for that matter) with children other than your own.

I know what you'll say: "You're telling me not to be myself." Not really, Michael. A sense of self comes from within.