Random Sequence

Scenario 16 (excerpt 1)

The Qualification Gazebo, or Crank It Up

Arthur, a professional retiree, was an arm-chair intellectual. His primary concern (which his psychiatrist secretly considered an hilarious pathology) was "analysis smog". This he defined as the silly, mistaken interpretations of significant trends and events by what he called "minds from beyond" -- the class of out-of-reach, out-of-touch, ivory-tower pundits whose opinions "polluted" the pages of elite newspapers and websites, and the windy chat shows of the cable networks. He considered their collective views to be the "oblivious vista" of a of cabal of cranks, whose minds had turned to gelatin.

Determined to provide an alternative to their "jelly zone" of commentary, Arthur wrote letters to the editor and posted in the comment sections of websites. Both means of Arthurian expression were almost universally ignored.

Frustrated, Arthur constructed an elaborate "Qualification Gazebo" in his front yard, where passers-by could sit and hear his refutations of daily editorials and CNN transcripts. Few did, although some stopped by in the summer months when he began to offer free piña coladas. They would feign interest, nodding politely while they sipped. Otherwise, Arthur simply talked to himself, conveyed his opinions in random phone calls, or shouted at whoever happened to be walking or driving past his house.

Arthur's long-suffering wife tolerated this activity, though she could be seen ruefully shaking her head at times in the picture window behind the gazebo, as Arthur pontificated. "I just humor him," she told anyone who inquired. "He's such a tension godzilla when he hears or reads anything he disagrees with. Let him blow off his steam." Arthur's psychiatrist fully agreed.