Random Sequence

Scenario 32

[Two contemporary cowboys at a table, drinking beer.]

"I need me a revenge certificate," said Cody.
"A what?" said Barney.
"A revenge certificate. I got my revenge. I want somethin' I can frame and hang on the wall."
"Revenge for what?" Barney inquired.
"For the stupid gift certificate Darla give me, the one for the food facial at the Face Place."
"What's a food facial?"
"That's when they put cucumber slices on your eyes and all this glop, this veggie paste, on your face and neck," Cody explained.
"Why'd you want a thing like that?" Barney asked.
"I didn't! Darla got it and regifted it," said Cody.
"Damn. And you used it?"
"Yeah, she talked me into it. It was godawful. A godawful gooey bonanza for the gip that thought it up, though. While he plastered this crap all over my face, the fat guy what did it was tryin' to sell me more gift certificates, like to the Beat Mall."
"The what?"
"The Beat Mall. This place down at the strip mall where you can go into different rooms where they're playin' different beats that you can dance to or do aerobics to or some shit."
"You can not be serious."
"Yeah, I am," said Cody. "Then he asked me if I'd want to buy a storage chandelier, maybe for Darla."
"Huh?"
"A storage chandelier. He's sellin' 'em. It's got these hollow candlesticks that you can keep cash or yer valuables in. Don't ask."
"You didn't buy one, did you?"
"Hell no. But he almost sold me some smell cushions."
"What?
"Smell cushions, or 'aroma' cushions he called 'em. Like pillows that smell like roses or baked bread or something. He said they would put Darla in the mood. They got some kind of aphro... aphro... some kind of musk that makes you want to screw. So he said."
"You believe that?"
"Hell no! I do dearly wish it was true, but he had a weird smile and those shifty eyes."
"Trouble," Barney said.
"Trouble," Cody agreed.
"So how'd you get yer revenge?"
"He had all these salad cups, sort of like Cup-a-Soup -- you know? -- but with like salad. I swear he was probably puttin' 'em in a blender to make his face goo. Anyway, he wanted to sell me some of those too. I swear he was like a fast-talkin' used-car salesman, this prissy fat dude running this Face Place. Anyway, when he wiped all the shit off me and told me I looked like one million bucks -- I didn't see no difference -- he excused his self to go to the crapper. I saw he had one of the open salad cups on his desk, so I figured he was fixin' to eat it for lunch once he finished tryin' to gip me. So I quick like chewed up some tobacco and spit in it. Salad dressing! Then I vamooosed."
"Cool. I guess," Barney said. "What would yer certificate say?"
"For Meritorous Spittin' and Splittin' after Gettin' a Gippin'. Or somethin' like that."

FIN