Head Rattle

I.
The Kentucky Derby is less than a month away, which means the annual Kentucky Derby party I'm invited to (a benefit for a local theater group) is also less than a month away -- which means I have to start thinking of a way to top myself or at least make a decent showing. Last year, I won the prize for being the "most dapper man" at the party. (There wasn't much competition, but I was still very surprised.) Everyone, male and female, is required to wear a hat to this shindig. Should I play it safe and wear the fedora I wore in London last July to hide a crappy haircut? Or the antique and very elaborate sombrero my wyfe found at a flea market and that usually hangs on the wall near our front door? I suppose a derby would be the most appropriate type of headgear. Where to find one?

II.
Someone called me this afternoon and asked to speak with "Andy Gates". "No one here by that name," I informed the caller, who was very apologetic before hanging up. I'm always tempted to play along when this sort of thing happens. I wanted to say, "Yes, this is he" and find out just why someone is so anxious to talk with Andy that they're randomly dialing numbers. The call came in on my office phone, which isn't listed publically. What are the chances of someone just happening to call me when trying to reach someone with the same last name? The more I think about this, the weirder it seems....

III.
I made small talk with the neighborhood crossing guard this morning while hoofing it to the train station. And in the course of one of his usual miniature discourses on politics, economics, or rush-hour traffic, he mentioned that he knows three people who are over 100 years old. "Wow", I said obtusely, trying to picture a trio of centenarian women. All I could think of were the three witches in Macbeth. "Just how wrinkled would they be?" I thought to myself. They say 100 is the new 80....